If there is a light bulb moment for healing, growth, and maturity I finally had it! Trust me I understand that healing is not a one way street and we are on a constant journey to be better each day but 'whew' does it feel good to see how far I have come!
This ah-hah moment came to me recently after I ended up in a conversation with someone from my past and it went to a topic I was not expecting. Essentially we were discussing healing and honestly I do not know why or how we got to the topic. Anyway, as the conversation continued I felt like I was getting too comfortable and letting my guard down. I began to feel myself tapping out of the present and mentally going into de lu lu land a bit. I also felt God saying Jada stop responding. And trust me this conversation was all love and peace, but it was something there that was just uncomfortable for me. It was something telling me to stay steadfast in what you have been doing, remember who they are, remember what all has been revealed to you - don't look back.
So one thing I have intentionally done while on my healing journey is to stop scheming. Yeah thats what I said, scheming. Anybody who knows me knows I can find anything. If I want to know, give me a couple seconds on the internet and I will find it. In the past doing that has done nothing but cause me pain. So I stopped, and it's great. It's helping me stop overthinking and worrying about situations that have nothing to do with me. I only focus on living my life and not others. I stop trying to curate my future and let God work. However, after this conversation (I don't want to say it was God telling me to scheme) but my heart said you need to see something. So I went and looked and boy I tell you what I saw!!!! 2018 Jada, 2020 Jada, hell Jada 10 months ago would have broken into a million and one pieces. Like it would seriously have thrown my off my rocker-but it didnt!
I really wish I could say what I saw but it is not my story to tell. All I know is I was good. I literally tried to cry. I was like I'm supposed to be sad right? I'm supposed to cause a scene right? But I wasn't sad and I didnt want to do anything. My body is so used to responding dramatically and being devastated that I was trying to force myself to feel the way I always do when it comes to interactions with this person but I literally felt fine. I'm not going to lie and say I was happy but I know I was not sad and that felt good to me.
I feel that growth is scary because it does come with grief and disappointment when you realize the life you once longed for is truly gone. But it is also is filled with reward, relief, and lessons. I felt God saying, "I brought you out of this for a reason, and trust me I got you. The desires of your heart will not go in vain, but you don't want it like that." Like legit I swear that is the sentence God said to me.
So I'm just here to report that you will reach that moment. You will reach that point when what used to trigger you will no longer trigger you. When you realize that what or who you thought you could never live without, you will live without-AND HAPPILY. You will reach that point, don't give up on yourself, don't give up on your healing journey, Keep doing you and the best is yet to come!
Mood - Free by Destiny's Child