The R Word: For the Girls Who Blamed Themselves

Note before you read: I really need you to know that you must read this piece in its entirety before contacting me (I know its long). The day this piece is released my phone will be on do not disturb. I welcome your emotions & your comments but I cannot be overwhelmed. I cannot answer every question specifically for you. Most things are answered in this piece so please read the full blog before contacting to me. Thank you 🫶🏾

Introduction

If you have been a part of the JU crew since my Youtube days you have heard me say in several videos something along the lines of "theres one story that I will talk about later if decide to tell it" or "the one guy in Durham that ya'll don't know about." Well its because I have contemplated not telling this story for five years but I have had a feeling over myself that I cannot explain. I know that I am walking into my destiny and God really is preparing to pour so many blessings upon me but first she needs me to release. My spirit is ready to release from the shackles of pain, anger, bitterness, heartache, jealously, and any negative energy that I have harbored. I started writing this on January 4, 2022 but it wasn't until now that I knew I had to finish it and share.

Please respect my boundaries in regards to telling this story. Please don't bombard me with questions about why you didn't know (If you read the whole thing you'll find out why). I welcome your words but I do not welcome selflessness for my story and the way I chose to handle it. So if your question is, "why I did not tell you" then it is not the right question. My decisions on who knew what has nothing to do with my closeness to you or love but simply my peace. If your question is am I okay, the answer is yes. I am okay and I have been okay for quite sometime. However, as of late I do feel stuck. I feel like I cannot enjoy and have the excitement I deserve right now because I still feel like someone is coming to throw a dagger in my plans. To bring back the dark cloud that I felt could never go away. To bring in sad Jada that wants to come back and prove to me that I am not enough when I know that I truly am. I cannot move on in my life and step into my new journey, my final rebrand, without completely releasing the old; So that I can finally feel like I didn't just run away but that I actually evolved and understood God's plan for me.

*Sensitive and Explicit Content Warning*

Part 1: A Letter to Release

Dear Buffoon,

May 25, 2019 - You asked for my number at my friends memorial day cookout. My mind told me to tell you no. - I didn't listen.

When my friend found out we were talking she told me no. She said you were not a good guy. That you have enemies in the city. You're a jailbird. You're a fraud. You're all talk. - I didn't listen.

As we continued to get to know each other you seemed cool but I wasn't feeling any butterflies. Then one night you went silent and didn't text me back. The next day I found out that you were in a horrible accident. I opened Facebook to see your friend posting your bloody unconscious body in a hospital bed and your crumbled up car. I didn't know how to feel. One side of me said you have to care he's been nice to you and the other side said this is your way out. You don't know this man, pray for him, and keep it moving. - I should have listened.

When you were released from the hospital you hit me up and you asked me to visit you. - I came.

It was sad to see you in such a horrible condition, but you were making the best of it. We laughed, we talked, you kissed me. I never told anyone this, but I hated it. I absolutely hated it. It tasted like a ball of smoke and alcohol. I knew in that moment that I did not like you. - I should have listened.

BUT you made me laugh. I hadn't smiled in so long. You're actually hilarious. You made me feel like you needed me and I fell into your dark hole, because I was in a dark place myself. I met you when I was depressed. I was still angry about not being in law school, I didn't care about my masters program, I didn't care about my job, I didn't care about my life. I felt like I had nothing to lose because I had already lost everything I wanted. I lost law school, I lost the guy I wanted and all the other so called "stand up guys" I saw myself with; so maybe a drug dealing, injured, gang member is all I deserve (we'll come back to this).

Next thing I know it was as if we had known each other for years. I basically lived at your house. Your dog was my dog. Your mom loved me. I hung out with you and your friends. I was watching you and helping you heal day by day. - It was honestly fun (until it wasn't).

As you got better I learned the real you. Some of it I already knew but I looked past it because I hate to say it, but I was beginning to like you. To all the people who knew about you, I downplayed us so bad. "No we are just friends, I don't like him," but deep down you had some sort of hold on me. So let's unpack the real you.

Before your accident you had a job but obviously couldn't work after, so I won't hold that against you...yet. - I stuck around.

You're in a gang and you sell drugs, which you lied to me about. You told me you got out of that life for your daughter but day by day as I observed my surroundings, I knew for a fact that not only were you not out of that life but I was clearly sitting in it. When I confronted you about it, you told the truth and said since your accident you needed to make money so you're back in. I told you to keep that shit away from me. - I stuck around.

Your mom is sickly so now I'm driving you back and forth to the nursing home (never any compensation), you're an alcoholic, your baby mama is a ghetto white girl, you're a finesser (a smooth talker) that was able to talk people into buying you things on several occasions. - I observed it all and I should have left. But I stayed because none of this was directly affecting me until it was.

For months I was waking up every morning to you smoking a drinking at 7:00am (while on antibiotics, pain killers, etc.) trying to get me to stay longer while I'm the only one getting ready to go work two jobs and go to school - red flag.

Every night you had me going to the store buying you more alcohol and blacks and I can count on my one finger how many times you actually paid for it. - red flag.

We argued like... I don't want to say like a married couple because I hope nobodies marriage was as toxic as us. I learned two Aquarius should never date because the level of disrespectful words we both spewed at each other was utterly disgusting. Especially because you were always threatening me. Every argument you never failed to mention how you beat up your last girlfriend but swore you only did it because she hit you with a hammer. You swore you wouldn't do me like that, but let I breathe wrong and you are screaming and hollering. If I wake you up wrong, you're yelling like we're in a horror movie until you snap out of it. You have guns everywhere in your house. I don't know if you realized it or not but every time I came over I scanned the room. I asked you where they were located and you would tell me. You thought it was for me to know in case somebody bust in, but it was really for me to know if I needed to use it on you - red flag.

Although it sounds horrible, I got used to this routine. It became normal and I believed I was happy because I had someone. When we were good, we were good. We were the best of friends, the laughs and jokes were endless. I was just happy to not be alone and have a companion. So from May 2019 when we met until January 2020 this was my life and I was okay with it.

August 2019 - I was mentally dead. I took a semester off of my masters program so now my life literally consisted of going to work and sitting up under you. However, my first wake up call came at my roommates birthday. We had a party and you were assigned to grill the food. When you arrived at my apartment you had another guy with you that I had never met. He was young, I could tell younger than us, but I didn't think anything of it at the time because we told you to invite your friends to the party. You introduced him to me as your "lil nigga" and said if I needed anything to ask him. I quickly figured out what this was after I watched you boss him around and cuss him out all day. I was so pissed off. You literally brought a gang member in training to my house! I cussed you out for being mean to him and tried to be the nicest I could to him, to really talk to him like a human and let him know to get out while he can; don't be stuck around this stupid man like I am. When the party started you literally were so embarrassing. Some people found you funny but I found everything to be so embarrassing. You were loud, you were drunk, you were just not the person I wanted to be attached to me. You pushed me into my room attempting to have sex with me while guests were in my house. It was all so ignorant - I should have left.

September 2019 - My second wake up call. My sisters wedding and I was actually happy. I was surrounded by love, I was surrounded by family. I was surrounded by a pure feelings of joy and happiness that I had not felt. I began to differentiate between what we had and what I grew up knowing to be love, and knew from that moment that you were not it. - I should have left.

October 2019 - My life changed for the better. I got a dog - Moon Pie. I was not expecting her but she was everything I needed. She pulled me out of my rut. She gave me companionship, she gave me love, she gave me something to care for that was not you and most importantly she took me away from you. I had to be home so that I could take care of her so I stopped sleeping at your house and being with you 24/7. Each day that I spent less time with you I felt better. I began to tap back into God and I got fed up with being sad. I wanted my life back, I wanted happy Jada back, I wanted goal driven Jada back. I knew she was in there and she was ready to live again.

Nevertheless I didn't let you go. I did not know how too. Then God gave me the out I needed. You basically posted that you went on a date with someone else. At first I got mad but then I thought boom this is my way out, please cheat on me, please leave me. So I confronted you about it, but somehow it really did not even turn into a huge argument - I didn't leave.

December 2019 - Now we have made it to the holidays and I went home to Georgia for a while. I didn't tell you I was leaving. You text me and I literally told you I moved back to Georgia because I so desperately wished that were true. I wanted to get away from you, I wanted to get a way from Durham, I really did not want to go back. You acted if you were so upset and wanted to know why I did not tell you and how come we didn't spend my last days in Durham together etc. I couldn't take it anymore so I finally told the truth that I would be back after the new year.

While I was home I decided that when 2020 rolled in I was taking my life back. I had started to feel better ever since I got Moon, but now it was time to get serious.

January 2020 - I made the decision that I wanted to go a on a celibacy journey, I was going to apply to law schools, I was going lose weight and get healthy - all the things. I was so excited for 2020. I really wanted it to be my year. My roommate and I had a vision board party and in big letters I put, "My aspiration in life is to be happy."

So I told you that. It was right before I was scheduled to come back to Durham and I wanted you to be clear on where I stood. I told you the I am no longer having sex with you. I'm making changes for 2020 and I understand if you didn't want to be friends but this is where I'm at. You called me stupid; you said it was dumb; how dare I withhold sex from you; that its no way I could do this. etc. I honestly was not surprised at the response so I let it ride. I didn't expect to see you anymore anyway, in my head I was finally out!

January 12, 2020 - I had been living blissfully for 12 days until you text me asking me to come over. I said no. I said I don't see the point because you know I am celibate. I don't want to compromise it. You clearly showed you were unhappy with my decision so let's not even open that door. You send some nice words, and acted like you were fine with my decision and that we were still friends, blah blah blah. Eventually I gave in and I came over.

The night started off fine. You were making me laugh we were operating in our good aquarian energy. As it got later in the evening I felt it was time for me to leave but you convinced me to stay and watch a movie with you. You tried to get me to go into the bedroom but I knew that was a bad idea so instead we moved from the front room, where we were on the sofa, to the tv room where you randomly had an air mattress in between the sofas. Why did I not see this as a trap? I am not sure, but you played it up like it was a cute indoor camping situation. So we laid the the snacks out, laid down, and started watching the movie.

You start touching me, I scoot over and I say, "no I'm good." You stop for a while. We go back and forth with you trying something, I say no, you stop and then try again. Eventually, I get fed up so I say, "I'm going to leave now. I am not upset, I understand having me here is too much for you." You say no it's fine stay at least to finish the movie. Against my better judgement - I stay.

I feel you press against me one last time, as I am about to get up you pull me down and force me to my back and climb on top of me. I said stop, you said come on you know you want too. I said I don't, let me up and get off of me. You pull your pants down, then mine and I say "Buffoon nooooo" as you insert yourself into me.

At that moment I went numb I did not know what to do. I thought about fighting you off and I tried briefly but I looked up over my head and there's your big ass gun sitting up by the door. I said to myself if I don't get to it first I may not make it out of here. Every threat you ever made at me ran through my mind. Stories of women killed by their boyfriends ran through my mind. So instead of fighting I laid there. I decided that making it out was worth more than however many minutes of torture I would endure.

And it truly was torture. I was silent the entire time as you thrust yourself into my body saying, "say you like it, you know you like it, say you like it, say you wanted it." I never said anything. I just waited until you were done. When you finished I didn't move. I wanted to run out of there but something kept telling me if you try to leave now he's not going to let you. It's like you strategically placed that gun by the door as a way to keep me in. I remember looking at the clock and it was about 3am so I decided as soon as I see a piece of sun. I'm running out of here and I will never look back.

Honestly most of me couldn't comprehend what really had just happened. I was in shock and I was scared. You laid down and went to sleep and your two dogs came and surrounded me. It truly felt like they built a shield around me and decided to protect me from you! Even they knew what had just happen was wrong. With them cuddled beside me I somehow found a way to fall asleep until I woke up to you sitting over me on the sofa blowing smoke in face. I opened my eyes to you staring at me with the most evil look on your face. I remember popping up and scooting back away from you and asking you what are you looking at. You told me to go back to sleep. But now I couldn't because I did not know what you were thinking and my only goal was to make it out of here alive. I immediately started praying and asked God to please let me make it out of here alive.

Then finally I got my piece of sun. I grabbed my things and ran out the door. You have never let me leave without walking me to the door or to my car, but this time you didn't move. I didn't say bye, you didn't say bye. You knew exactly what you had done...

Sincerely,

Jada

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Part 2: It's All My Fault

January 13, 2020 - I got home and the first thing I see was a teddy bear Buffoon gave me. I threw it to Moon and let her rip it to shreds. I shower and I go to work trying to pretend that I am not about to fall to pieces. To make matters worse this old lady that I worked with decided to start drama for her last day (not important to this story, just that I really wanted to combust).

January 15, 2020 - I am at work and I was texting my friend. I really don't remember what we were talking about but I ended up throwing him a hypothetical of what I had just experienced to get a straight male perspective. By this time I had convinced myself that I misunderstood the interaction and that I was really wrong for telling Buffoon no. He responded and said "it sounds like he raped you." I immediately shut that down, "oh no don't say "the R word,"" and dismiss the comment because in no way shape of form could that be my life right now. Even though I knew it was. I did not want to believe it. I did not want to feel that type of hurt, I did not want to believe that here I am again in a bad spot.

That evening I pondered over the R word. I text Buffoon a long paragraph about how I felt about the situation, making sure to avoid the word, and he didn't respond.

I couldn't bring myself to say it but I knew I wasn't okay. Again, I so desperately wanted to be happy so I told myself no. I said no falling apart, no help, no sorrow. I blamed myself because I believed I should not have been there. I chose not to listen, I chose not to leave. I chose to date him. It was nothing that could convince me at that time that it wasn't my fault, so I did not feel the need to tell anyone anything because why start a war over something I did. I didn't want anyone to come rescue me. I didn't want my family or friends to save me. My mom and cousin literally just left from me and my darkness of law school. I was sick of sorrow. I was sick of sadness. I didn't feel like I deserved to be saved. I just wanted to be left alone.

However, I knew that logic might have been a little crazy so I texted a few of my girls three the lived in the city with me & three of my best friends and I let them know what happened (in the most downplayed way I could possibly tell it because I didn't want too much concern). I just wanted it off my chest and if I did end up fumbling and going off my rocker trying to heal myself, I knew they would say forget all the privacy I asked for and call my family.

My friend who I met Buffoon through was one of the members of the group I told, and she was enraged as they all were. She tried to get me to go to the police, however me being the stubborn, refuse to be told what to do, woman that I am totally shut it down. I could not fathom the thought of being questioned by men about him and then not believed, especially so many days later. It didn't even seem like a possibility that I could win. I imagined the hate train that would come from him and his friends. Although he was not the best of the best a he had aligned himself with some prominent people in the city--rappers and a magazine, and I just saw it all going very left for me. I saw myself being another girl accusing the guy that people love of something that they believe he can't do because they love him. So for the people that ask why do women wait so late to say something. The why is because there's nothing in this world that makes us feel safe enough to really come out in the moment or at all; especially in the dating the person aspect. Most people have the same mentality that he had. I mean look ya'll literally let a known rapist be the president and defend Diddy every chance you get.

February 2020 - I threw myself into trying to heal. I really refused to slow down and in some way it was a good thing. I'm learning to enjoy my solitude. I'm learning about a real relationship with God that I curate myself. I learned what spirituality actually means for me, what religion actually means, and which one I really want to practice. I'm taking care of my dog. She's bringing me joy. Yeah the darkness was still there but I was really really trying.

March 2020 - the pandemic hit and although it was at horrible times in the world, I thrived. I was painting. I was baking (a little too much). I learned how to do my nails, I was practicing makeup, hair, etc. I started creating Jada Unpublished. I was just really into me. Throughout this time, I had no interaction with Buffoon until he text me around April/May, "hey jada."

Summary: (1) He tried to ignore the situation and ask for forgiveness and peace for his childish ways. (2) He tried to flip the situation to the argument we had months prior and even told that wrong because I was the one trying to leave him, weirdo! (3) He tried to admit the situation but make it consensual by saying he must have convinced me. Newsflash - even though he never convinced me of anything, just a tip for you who don't seem to get it, you can't convince anyone to have sex with you! Coercion is sexual assault!

I later find out that his mom died around the time he text me. Nice try but old Jada is gone. I did not drop the pain he caused to come rescue him. It was my turn to rescue myself! We never spoke again. He randomly tried to add me on apple music and I deleted it.

August 2020: Jada Unpublished launched.

December 2020: After a semester off I reenrolled in the my masters program back in May and graduated in December. If you've been on the JU crew you know I was not a happy camper. The pain of not graduating from law school and people who didn't know that I wasn't still in law school asking me questions that day really sent me into a mood.

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Part 3: Happy New Year

January 2021: I began reapplying to law schools and made the decision to get my life back on track. Healing isn't linear and even though graduating was supposed to be a good thing, it sent me back into a dark place. My quarantine healing journey was seeming more like a bandaid than actual growth.

April 2021: I received rejections and not acceptances. I was back crying myself to sleep and confused. All I knew was I had no intent to stay in the city because I hated it after Buffoon. I hated my prior school experiences, and I just wanted to get away. I told myself I'm moving so far away, I will become a whole new girl--the ultimate rebrand.

July 2021: Accepted! I had a choice of Louisiana or Texas. I was ready to move, run away from Durham, and never look back. Honestly, if I wasn't scary and didn't love my family and friends. I really wanted to change my identity and disappear forever.

August 2021: First year of new law school. The beginning of forever. I got here and did everything I said I was going to do. Had the rebrand actually been successful?

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Part 4: Present Day

So now here we are April 2025 one month away from graduating law school, a goal that when I met Buffoon, I thought was never going to be achieved. I have been living in my purpose and yes life has not been perfect--There have been several relationship woes plus the mental taxation of law school itself, but overall I'm fine. However, as this chapter comes to a close and I find myself at the point of a new chapter, I began to question my decisions. Question my healing, question that because I ran away the problems of Durham will finally find me and stop me from succeeding. The imposter syndrome of that sad depressed girl is trying to come out of the closet because this win just doesn't feel real. Making me question, did I just run away and not change, or is this real?

Good news: this is real! I am tired of feeling like I ran away. Yes, I had to get away but I grew through every moment of what I left behind. I faced my imposter syndrome head first when I got here, seeking therapy and learning that I do deserve to be here. I faced my emotional baggage and yes I still make mistakes in the love department, but I am not that girl who didn't know her worth to end up with someone as bad as Buffoon. I know I deserve a lot more than that now. I didn't just run away, I evolved, and now that I'm moving to another state after this one it's not because I'm running away again, but because God really has ordained every piece of my life and my story.

So as I find myself wanting to be so excited when everyone is cheering for me and I haven't been it's because the dark cloud was trying to challenge me. It knew I was still holding on to this final piece of pain. So here it is, the release. I release the R word. I release this story as the final piece of turmoil that held me back from what I never thought I could see. I'm here standing in an answered prayer and I deserve to celebrate it without any hesitation.

Shoutouts and Awareness

If you have made it through this long piece, thank you so much for reading! Thank you so much for being a supporter. Thank you so much for always thinking so highly of me.

To my family and friends. I know that you love me, I know that you wish I would have told you everything that you just read. I know you are angry, you're trying to remember his name, you're trying to find his social media, but I ask you to stop! Breathe in your nose and out your mouth. Being angry and sad doesn't matter now. Know that whatever you were doing in my life at that time did help me. Whatever you are doing in my life in the present does help me. The conversation we have or encouraging words you send from then until now is all good enough for me!

Thank you to my sister for encouraging me to start Jada Unpublished. I know you never meant for it to get this dark and heavy when you suggested I blog all those years ago. I know you were thinking I was going make some money talking about things I love such as nails fashion, and hair; but writing has been so much more beneficial than any of that (I do wish I had a little money though lol). This blog is what brought me out of darkness. It forced me to take strides to find my peace and strengthen my mental health.

Thank you to yourcurlfriendjess for encouraging me to tell my story. I remember reaching out to her and telling her that her bravery to speak out against her abuser in real time is truly commendable and helped so many woman.

Thank you to itoldyaso_ for being an unapologetic black woman who encourages black girls to speak up. Your platform truly inspired me to share more and to let go of trying to fit my stories into the respectability politics of our career path. Thank you for the book you wrote radical self love! It's pretty much one of the reasons why I was able to finally finish this piece.

Thank you to Tarana Burke for starting the #met00 movement. Even though during that time, I was too scared to actually say "me too". The stories, and the online sisterhood that I followed and read truly is why I am able to do this today.

April is sexual assault awareness month. To all of my JU crew who has faced abuse from my heart to yours - It was not your fault. You are enough, you didn't deserve it. Even if you feel like you made a bad choice, chose the wrong person, or wore the wrong outfit, you did not deserve it. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and your life will continue to blossom. Heal for you and let God handle the rest.

Mood: A Rose is Still a Rose - Aretha Franklin x My Portion - Jekalyn Carr