Watch before you read: https://youtu.be/BivbEGyR7vE
It was May 2017 and I just graduated college headed straight to law school. I thought I was on top of the world and ready to go, but I can honestly admit I WAS NOT READY!
One thing about me is the I have always been a good student. If I could not bet on anything else, I would always bet on my intellect. So to me law school was just school. I never prepared myself for school so I did not prepare myself for law school either. Well let me be the first to tell you, I NEEDED TO PREPARE! I needed to know where my money would be coming from. I needed to know the city I was moving to. I needed to know that books cost 150 - 250 plus dollars each (and you need 5, plus the supplements, and other resources). I needed to know I couldn't live on campus (even though the school website said I could). I needed to know that this would be my first apartment and the only money I had is graduation money that will cover maybe two months of rent. These are all things I should have looked up before I was left with 3 months before school started to figure it all out.
Maybe I would have been able to plan this out my senior year but instead of focusing on my transition out of undergrad I was wrapped in a world of DRAMA from April 2017 until February 2018. On top of writing a fire senior paper (which can be found in scholar-ish), I was planning and executing senior week, on line for my sorority, and I was being CYBERBULLIED!!
I started college in August 2013 and I met an amazing guy that we will call J. J and I were the best of friends from 2013 to 2017. I shared my virginity with J, so he could do no wrong in my eyes. Even though J was doing a lot of wrong all over campus. However, that is where I will stop with J and I. Just know that we never officially said we were dating, but there were a lot of promises, a lot of I love you's, and a lot of assumed but not spoken roles (I guess this was an entanglement but that term was not out back then, I used to call it situationship lol).
Additionally, I also talked to several guys outside of him during this time, however I was not having sex with anyone else, which is most likely why I took what J did so hard, but I cannot not call out his transgressions without pointing out mine. So if you're reading this because you know or think you know who J is and just want to be nosey, this is not the blog for you. J and I have had some extreme ups and downs and continue to have them. However, through my journey, J has been a huge support mentally, financially, and emotionally, so I would never slander his name no matter how heartbroken and sad he made me in the past. So for the purpose of this blog all you need to know is J got into a lot of mess, which ultimately caused Jada a huge unexpected heartbreak.
Due to J's transgressions someone decided that they too were really hurt by J and wanted to take it out on the both of us. I will never forgot the day I received the first text message. I just parked my car at the gym (for the first time in my life I was going to be on time to class) and 'bing' I get a text message. This message called me every name under the sun, listing out women J has had sex with, calling's me a stupid hoe, bitch, etc. etc. At this point I am shook and I sat in my car crying and definitely not in the mood to go to class. I screenshot the message to J and he said that he received an anonymous message too.
Counting down to graduation we both received these messages every single day. Every single important milestone from college is rooted in a negative spirit. The morning of my probate I received a message saying, "I am going to yell stupid hoe when you come out." On my graduation day I woke up to evil messages. I felt like someone was watching my every move. Not knowing how to process these messages at the time I told a couple of my friends and of course they wanted to fight and protect me, but who are we going to fight, the air? The messages were coming from different anonymous numbers every time and the way that list of woman was set up, it literally could be anybody. I tried to talk to J about it and we tried our hardest not to let it come between us. He confronted someone who we really thought it was in all hopes of ending this charade, but of course she denied the allegations. He took some precautions to try to protect me, but ultimately I was confused and angry, and I could not get past that. All I wanted was the truth and the messages to stop.
Oh and let's not forget to add to the DRAMA, three weeks before graduation I was so stressed I got into a car wreck on my way to pay the skating ring for one of our senior week events, and I thought I was pregnant! I had not seen a period majority of the semester and did not even realize it (it was due to stress). So imagine how I felt sitting in my car on the phone with an abortion clinic scheduling a pregnancy test and asking them what are my options if the test came out positive. Oh yeah and you know receiving a text message from cyberbully all at the same time (my period came on shortly after). I never told J about this because there was no need to consider keeping a child to be raised in the shambles of our failing love story or really my failing fantasy.
Fast forward to sitting at home in June and July trying to do my minimal law school preparation. I am literally still getting messages from cyberbully everyday and then boom I go on Facebook and J has posted a girlfriend. HOW? Like How? One of the last conversation we had you told me "how could I let some girl ruin what we've been building since freshman year," and we were definitely intimate days leading up to graduation. So needless to say, I was big mad, big frustrated, and about to lose my shit! So through some very emotional calls and texts J and I were no longer friends!
Well now its August and it is my first day of law school. I actually was very excited and ready to go. My first semester to an extent was great. The work was more than difficult but I was learning the ropes. However, every day I was still receiving cyberbully messages (through text, Instagram, and Facebook) or arguing with J. I kept reaching out to him because I was so confused and hurt. He was my best friend and the only person I wanted to call after a stressful day at school. The only person I wanted to call because I was sad all of the time. He was just my person (you know like Christina Yang and Meredith Grey) and I couldn't face the facts that I had lost my person. I did not want to understand that he also was hurting too, he was being cyberbullied just like me, and he also was dealing with post graduate depression just like me. I honestly just did not know how to navigate through this and I took every bit of it out on him.
I tried everything in my power to focus on school, but let me be the one to tell you the subconscious mind is powerful and it controls! So no matter how happy I seemed on the outside, I WAS SUFFERING.
So instead of working on myself and my depression I covered it up. I got into the books, I joined clubs, and I even won legal competitions. I just wanted to get back to being Jada. However I learned quickly that covering up just brings it all pouring out later...
Mood: Somewhere in between Whitney Houston's Where Do Broken Hearts Go and Heartbreak Hotel
To be continued in
Journey to J.D. Part 2: Counseling and Dreams Deffered
Comments